How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) Read online

  As time went on, Nick and I were assigned to collaborate on different projects. He was my boss, but even so, our relationship slowly morphed into one of those coworker-friend relationships where we would more than occasionally have lunch together and hit up happy hour after our long workdays. And slowly, as I got to know him, I was able to calm down around him, enough even that my hands stopped shaking every time I was showing him a piece of paper or a project at work. We engaged in fun, flirty banter, and I lived for the times when he would flirtatiously tease me and I would do the same back to him. And he even stopped censoring his language in front of me after awhile.

  We went out to lunch together quite a bit, but we had never seen each other outside of the work environment with the exception of happy hour, which was always with other work people. As time wore on, I felt our connection growing stronger; he became a close work friend, but the friend factor did not change my lust for him, instead only intensifying it. We talked a lot, never about our love lives, but a lot of our personal lives. I knew a lot about his brother, Josh, and he knew everything about my family. I wished that I could be his girlfriend, that we could move beyond our budding friendship, but at the pace we were moving, I was certain that it would never happen. I realized that I had made a mistake by being his friend. I feared that he would only ever see me as a friend. I was officially stuck in the friend-zone, and I didn’t know how to get out of it. Especially with the man who was my boss.

  I still had the hope in my heart that someday our flirty banter would cross the professional line. I couldn’t help but picture him in my bed next to me, over me, under me. Naked. Panting. Wanting.

  But I digress.

  There were two major highlights of our flirty banter, which, given that we had known each other for almost a year, were pretty minimal, but they gave me hope.

  The first happened at a Friday happy hour. Our entire team went out for drinks after work, and we were having a great time drinking beer and sharing appetizers the Friday before Thanksgiving. I was two drinks into my evening with plans to hang out with Travis and some of his friends later that night, thinking, as always, that if Nick wanted to stay at happy hour longer, I could cancel with Travis. He would understand; he knew how obsessed I was with Nick.

  Holly was seeing a new guy, so she left first to go home to get ready for a date. Greg and Malcolm were both married with kids, so they both went home to their wives. So that left Jake and Lucy, Nick and me, and it was sort of like that. Jake and Lucy had been flirting a lot recently, and they separated themselves from Nick and me, their heads close together in quiet conversation. I wondered at the time if she and Jake had virtually ignored Nick and me in part because Lucy was well aware of my enormous crush on Nick. She was just the kind of girl who would quietly nudge us together without either of us knowing.

  I remember like it was yesterday, even though it had happened a month before the Christmas party. Jake grabbed Lucy’s hand and pulled it to his lips, and she stared up at him, a combination of lust and adoration shining in her eyes. Nick looked at me, eyebrows raised, knowing full well that Lucy was one of my best friends, correctly assuming that I would be in the know regarding their flirtation. I grinned at him, and he glanced over at the two of them and smiled at me. I was in heaven, having a private moment with Nick despite the crowd at the bar and the two people remaining at our table.

  He pulled out his phone and texted me:Are they together?

  I texted back:Getting there. They are very much in “like.”

  He laughed aloud and texted me again:Good for them. What about you?

  I glanced up at him. “What about me?” I asked aloud. Jake and Lucy were clearly too enthralled with each other to be aware that we were having a conversation literally right next to them.

  “Are you seeing anyone?” he asked. It was the first time he had asked me anything about my love life, and my heart raced as those eyes pinned me to my chair. His hair was perfectly mussed in all sorts of crazy directions, and I wanted to run my fingers through it for about the millionth time since I had first met him.

  I shook my head, and he smiled. “Good,” he said simply. He reached for my hand and squeezed it.

  What did that mean? Was I reading into it? Or did he want me the same way I wanted him?

  I never did figure it out, but I saved every text conversation we had, and I often looked back at that one in wonder. But how did I make a move?

  The second “big event,” as I liked to call it, happened about two weeks before the Christmas party.

  Nick invited me to lunch, which wasn’t necessarily a rare event or out of the ordinary. It was just the two of us, and we walked down to a local deli and ordered sandwiches. Nick treated, which was a little more unusual, and he picked out a quiet table in the corner for us to talk. It was almost romantic as the lunch crowd rushed by us, and we were lost in our own little world for two. Our lunch conversation mostly consisted of work talk, but then Nick brought up the Christmas party.

  “So, do you have a date?” he asked, and my heart leapt as I thought that this was it! He was going to ask me out, finally, and it was to the office Christmas party!

  “Not yet,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant even though inside I was quaking with excitement.

  “Are you planning to go?”

  I nodded.

  “I heard the deejay is epic.”

  “He is. The parties are always a blast.”

  He gazed into my eyes, looking like he was wrestling with a thought, and then he said softly, “Save me a dance.”

  I gazed back, and it was suddenly like we were the only two people on earth. The sounds of the deli faded into the background as I was lost in his eyes, and I had the distinct inclination that he was about to lean forward and kiss me.

  And then, suddenly, he broke his gaze from me as he looked at someone who had just entered the deli, and the moment was gone. I turned to see his boss, Tom Davidson, Tom’s secretary, Josie, and a few other people. He brought the conversation back to work, but my mind was still lost in the conversation we had just been having with our eyes, and I wished that Davidson hadn’t walked in so that I could see where Nick had planned on going with that.

  And that was it. Those were the two biggest events in our non-romantic history that led me to believe that someday something could happen. Ever the eternal optimist, I felt certain that someday we would be together.

  Chapter 2

  Nearly a year after Nick had started working for McMillan, I was at the Christmas party, obsessing over Nick again… or, still. He seemed to get hotter and hotter every single day, and he looked particularly ravishing that evening.

  I was disappointed with his choice of Christmas party date – Dana, one of the most obnoxious people in my office. She worked in a different department than me, but she came over to my cubicle all the time to chat. Her catchphrase was, “Do you have any gossip?” I liked hearing the office gossip, but I couldn’t deal with how cruel she could be about our coworkers. One time she made a comment about Lucy’s weight to me, and that was crossing the line. Lucy was one of my best friends, and she was not overweight. After that, I wanted nothing to do with Dana. And now that she was at the party as Nick’s date, I felt even more disgusted with her.

  I couldn’t believe that he actually took Dana to the party. She was pretty enough with her glossy dark hair cut in a sharp A-line and her big, brown doe eyes, and she had a nice enough figure with her athletic legs and toned arms. But she was just so insufferably obnoxious. It made me wonder why he selected Dana as his date when he could’ve gone with anybody. Including me. Especially me.

  So maybe I was a little jealous.

  Alright. I was incredibly jealous.

  I got to wondering what Nick’s type was. This was the first time ever that I had seen him with a date. Did he like short girls with dark hair and dark eyes? Because she was my opposite in that respect; I was tall (5’9”) with long, naturally streaky blond hair and blue eyes. If he liked girls like Dana, did I even stand a chance?

  I couldn’t get over his choice of date. Dana? Seriously? I watched as he danced with her, and my jealousy ebbed a bit as I noticed that although she was clinging to him, he wasn’t holding her like he would hold someone he was interested in. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me, or maybe it was the hope I held in my heart, but I could swear that he glanced in my direction more than once.

  I sat in my corner table with Travis ever by my side as I pined away for a man that I couldn’t have. Nick was my boss, as Travis so kindly reminded me over and over. And over. And over. Travis didn’t appear to like the fact that I was checking out Nick the entire evening. He tended to be a little overprotective of me. In fact, he told me that Nick seemed like a “douche-waffle” (his phrase), and that I could do better.

  Travis and I went way back. Way, way back, all the way to when Travis moved into the house next door to mine just before kindergarten. Our parents became friends, and Travis had an older sister who was the same age as my sister, so we were forced into playing together. We literally grew up together, and while Lucy and Holly were my best work friends, Travis really was my best friend in the whole world.

  We had tried a relationship once in high school. He had admitted that he had feelings for me, and I suddenly saw him as more than a friend. We had even lost our virginity to each other in the biggest prom night cliché ever. But even though we were together for nearly a year, we both knew that we were better off as friends. It wasn’t a difficult decision to end things “that way,” but I had never regretted that Travis was my first. I had heard so many stories of friends who had horrible first times, but I knew that the first guy I had ever slept with was a solid, good person, not to mention a sensitive and generous lover. And
we were proof that people could stay friends even after sleeping together and breaking up. Our breakup had been mutual around the end of the summer before we went off to college, and even so, we had slept together a few times during different drunken college escapades. Nothing serious ever came of it, but I knew that Travis would be in my life forever. We hadn’t slept together since our junior year of college nearly five years earlier, so I knew that that part of our relationship was over and done.

  Okay, I admit it. I was a little tipsy at the Christmas party. Four eggnogs with brandy will do that to a girl. I was in that perfect position where I didn’t drink myself sick and I wasn’t so drunk I was making a fool out of myself, but my inhibitions were severely lowered. So after Travis invited me to the dance floor and we ended up next to Dana and Nick during a slow song, I knew that the moment had been presented to me on a silver platter.

  “Switch partners!” I shouted gleefully, and I pulled out of Travis’s arms and pushed Dana away from Nick and into Travis. Nick smiled down at me, and I looked up into those intense hazel eyes, wanting to tear the Armani suit he wore off of his gorgeous body. His eyes were mesmerizing, and I walked into his open arms willingly.

  He pulled me closely into his arms, much closer than he had danced with Dana. It was the first time I had ever been this close to him, and my body responded to his in ways I had never felt before. I felt waves of electricity travel between us, and the length of his body crushed against mine was literally the best feeling I had ever experienced in my life. I was euphoric. This was my every dream come true. His masculine scent overtook my senses and I was totally captivated by him. Suddenly no one else was in the room but us. I didn’t care about Dana, or Travis, or Davidson, or Josie, or anyone else. I savored the feeling of Nick’s arms around me, my heart racing as I dared to glance up into his eyes, hoping that he would see the lust that had to be radiating from my eyes.

  “Julianne, you look lovely tonight,” Nick murmured, gazing down at me.

  “You look pretty hot yourself,” I said, finally admitting what I had wanted to say since nearly a year earlier, the alcohol loosening my inhibitions enough to be honest.

  Nick smiled. God, his teeth were perfect. I could feel his breath on my cheek, and I swear I felt him tighten his hold on me. I leaned into him, as close as I could get, my nose next to his neck as I breathed him in. He smelled delicious and woodsy and manly and totally intoxicating, and the racing of my heart was a complete contrast to our slow, sensual dance.

  I felt him inhale deeply, and I wondered if he was smelling my hair, taking in my scent like I was taking in his. “Are you having a nice time?” he asked.

  I reluctantly pulled back so we could talk. “A great time. McMillan knows how to throw a Christmas bash,” I said.

  He moved with grace and ease as we glided on the dance floor. “They certainly do. How does this compare to previous years?”

  “This is way better than last year.” Probably because Nick wasn’t there last year.

  To my extreme disappointment, the song ended and a faster one came on. Nick held me for a moment longer than completely necessary, his eyes locked on mine, and I suddenly had the inclination that he wanted to kiss me, the same feeling I had that day in the deli. His eyes were clear, and I could see lust in them, as much lust as my own eyes had to be reflecting back to him. I wanted him to kiss me, so, so badly, but then the fleeting moment passed. His eyes clouded over, and he hugged me quickly before letting me go.

  But the one dance had been enough. I was on a Nick-induced high, and I didn’t want to come down. I spent the remainder of the party in a much better mood, wondering if there was something there between us, wondering if maybe next year would be our year, and finally deciding to make my New Year’s Resolution early: He would be mine. We belonged together; I just knew it.

  And then for some God-awful reason, I thought it would be a great idea to sing Karaoke. My contribution was “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and just thinking about it still makes me turn red. What the hell was I thinking? Okay, maybe I was drunk enough to make a fool out of myself that night.

  McMillan always closed the offices during the week between Christmas and New Year’s. The office Christmas party was the Friday before Christmas that year, and I was a few days into my break. I hadn’t seen Nick since the party, although it wasn’t like I hadn’t had any communication from him; he had texted me on Christmas Eve to wish me a Merry Christmas, and again on Christmas day to say that he had hoped Santa was good to me. It warmed my heart to know that he was thinking about me during these important times. I texted back both times, but I figured he was as busy with his family as I was with mine. My sister always hosted Christmas Eve, and we always spent almost the whole day of Christmas at my parents’ house. I wished that he was there by my side, and I hoped with everything I had inside that it wasn’t just a dream that would never come true.

  I didn’t hear from him for a few days, but he was in every thought I had, and then on December 28, he texted me again:Got any New Year’s plans?

  Was he inviting me? I mulled over the best response; I didn’t want him to think that I was a loser who had no plans for the big night, but I wanted to be flexible in case he wanted to ask me out. But who was I kidding? He wasn’t going to ask me out. And besides, I was actually excited about my New Year’s plans.

  Finally, I texted back, trying my best to sound casual but still send across the message that I wanted to see him:Just a group of friends hitting up Mahogany. Meet us there if you can! :)

  Mahogany was the hottest bar in Scottsdale, and we had planned to go for awhile. I was super excited about it; Lucy and Holly were going, as were Holly’s boyfriend (Andrew), Jake, who was now officially dating Lucy, and Travis and a few of his friends. I didn’t have anyone special to kiss at midnight like Lucy and Holly did, and Travis had invited a new girl he had been started dating named Brooke, so even my backup was taken.

  Nick’s answer came quickly:I’m heading out with some buddies to bar hop. Mahogany is on our list, so maybe I will see you there.

  God, I hoped so.

  I didn’t hear from him the next day or the day after, and then suddenly it was New Year’s Eve. Lucy and Holly came over to my apartment so we could get ready together, and Travis and Brooke showed up a little early so that we could pre-party. I sat in a chair, obsessing over Nick (as usual), nursing a glass of wine while Lucy curled my hair for me.

  “So let’s talk resolutions,” Lucy said, combing out a section of hair to curl as Holly stood next to us, putting the finishing touches on her make-up.

  “I have to drop these ten pounds I’ve gained eating Christmas cookies,” Holly said, and we both laughed. Holly was the thinnest out of all of us.

  “I’ve resolved to find a way to get Nick to notice me. I just have a feeling that this is going to be our year,” I said.

  “Won’t it be weird dating our boss?” Lucy asked.

  I shrugged. “He’s fucking hot, so I don’t care.”

  Both of my friends laughed. “Yeah, he is pretty hot,” Holly said.

  “Thanks,” Andrew, Holly’s boyfriend, said from the doorway.

  “You’re welcome,” Holly said, glancing at him in the mirror with a wide smile.

  “Are you ladies almost ready?” Andrew asked.

  “Like ten more minutes, babe,” Holly said. Ten was a bit of a stretch as I hadn’t even started my make-up and Lucy hadn’t gotten to her own hair, but time in girl-getting-ready time usually translated to about three times whatever we quoted. A glance at the clock on my cell phone told me that we had plenty of time. I was disappointed when I glanced at my phone to see that I didn’t have any new texts from Nick. I wondered for about the millionth time in the past year what he was doing and whether he ever thought about me. Certainly not as much as I thought about him, but the random texts I received from him told me that he thought about me at least once in awhile.

  We emerged from the bathroom thirty minutes on the dot later, all three of us feeling gorgeous and sexy. Holly was wearing a hot pink dress that had feathers on the shoulder, and she wore matching feathers in her long, brown hair. Her sparkly purple eye shadow brought out her big brown eyes. Lucy looked adorable in a hunter green dress that matched her eyes. She had straightened her normally wavy, dark hair, and the effect of her A-line cut was sharp against her face. I donned a red sequined dress and matching heels, and my hair flowed past my shoulders in pretty, thick curls thanks to Lucy’s work.